A friend of mine encouraged me to start a blog unaware that I had already done so in the past. I started this blog a few years ago but my life has changed tremendously since the last key strokes I had dedicated to this site. Instead of picking up where I left off I decided to scrap every word and start over. The problem then becomes, where do I start? I feel like in order for someone to be interested in what I have to say then I have to have one of two things: something important to say or notoriety. I know that the later will only come with time and perseverance and the first, well I am not sure I have that either. So, as I sit down in my incredibly uncomfortable “nickelodeon” colored chair I am at a loss of words. On the surface, to those who have just met me, I may appear to have a lot to say although usually I am rambling on about some unimportant detail of my life in order to fill the silence. I can’t let anyone know that I am surrounded by complete fear. I have never been comfortable with pauses in conversation. I feel that the other is doing the exact same thing I am… thinking. The mystery is what kills me. Not knowing what they may be thinking. What if they think I am not intelligent enough, pretty enough, fill-in-the-blank here enough. Key point? Enough. What does this really matter? That’s what I say in my own head as the fear creeps in. Shouldn’t I be content with what I have accomplished so far? Shouldn’t I be proud of the things I’ve done? Shouldn’t I… Shouldn’t I? Yes, I should. The problem starts when I am not.
When it comes to a blog the problem I have is where do I start and what do I want to say because the point is to say something, right? Well, I could go on about how I am the youngest of five children, but... snnooooze. Who cares? That’s not interesting. I could talk about my four years in the army, but living it was enough for me. It feels like a whole other lifetime; one that I don’t have a deep emotional connection to anymore. I don’t enjoy writing about just facts if you haven’t noticed. I am driven by my emotions. It took me a long time to realize that, but I have accepted it as a fact at this point. I don’t worry about whether it is a negative aspect, a weakness some may say, instead I just accept. So what do I have to write about then? I mean I have been through a lot of things in my twenty-seven (and a half) years but, who decides what is worth writing about? But, who am I kidding? How many people will actually read any of this? Two? Five? Fifteen? So, why don’t I quit worrying about the how's and why's and who's and just get on with it. But get on with what exactly? Only time will tell, and probably this blog. Which will deviate from any sort of path that I may create in my mind today and I am sure will be as violent as my mood swings. Until next time…..
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